Forgiving and Forgetting Infidelity

You may have difficulty sleeping as your thoughts race at night trying to figure out when your husband or wife was lying to you. You might obsess about the affair and demand each and every detail of their meetings.

You may have thoughts of revenge. You may want to go out, pick up a stranger at a bar and sleep with them. Or you may be thinking of other ways to hurt your spouse.

All these thoughts and emotions are completely normal so don't despair. This rollercoaster of emotion can last for a couple of days up to several months. It is not something you will forgive or forget easily, even if your spouse expects you to do so.

The Keys to Forgiving and Forgetting Infidelity

There are 3 keys to forgive and forget infidelity.

1) Allow yourself to feel whatever it is you need to feel

Don't deny or suppress your feelings. You've been hurt and betrayed and you have a right to feel upset and angry. Don't allow others to tell you to get over it when you are not ready to do so. Allow yourself the ability to feel whatever it is you need to feel.

Avoiding your emotions will only lead to greater pain in the long run. There is no way to avoid pain, you must plunge into it in order to get through it to the other side.

I often refer to the children's book "Going on a Bear Hunt" when discussing this with my clients. In the book a family is going on a bear hunt and encounters many obstacles like mud and a dark forest. The family looks at the obstalces and states: "We can't go over it, we can't go under it, we have to go through it!" And that is just what you have to do to work through your grief.

2) Do not make any major decisions when you are under extreme stress

The decision to divorce your spouse and "take him for everything he's worth!" should not be made when you first find out about the affair. Of course, this is probably your first instinct when you are so full of rage and despair. But making rash decisions at this time will only lead to remorse for you in the end. Tell yourself you won't make any major decisions until you are in a calm place emotionally.

3) Find a psychotherapist and get into individual or marital counseling

It is always beneficial to get into individual counseling to deal with the enormous painful emotions you are feeling. Finding a good therapist to help you work through your hurt feelings, help you forgive and forget the infidelity, and lend an empathic and objective ear to your plight.

Friends and family often take sides quickly and while their support is appreciated, if you decide you want to work things out with your spouse, they may give you a hard time about it. Forgiving and forgetting infidelity is more difficult when your mother or best friend can't let go of their anger at your spouse.

**This article was written by Melanie Cohn, a psychotherapist who specializes in relationship issues and infidelity. If you live in the metro Detroit area and are looking for counseling click here to contact me for a free phone consultation.

Marital therapy is also key to understanding that marital problems are never one sided. It is easy to cast blame and never take responsibilty for the problems in your marriage. You may be waiting for your partner to take the blame for all the difficulties in your marriage.

Well, you will be waiting a long, long, time.

The fact is the distancing and dissolution of your union has probably been going on for months and possibly years, well before spouse became unfaithful. Marriage counseling can help by identifying what caused the break down in your marriage and what can be done to repair it. If forgiving and forgetting infidelity is your goal then couples counseling is a must.

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