Fixing a Relationship
What does fixing a relationship take? Are you one of those people who feel your union is on the brink of disolving, as you fight about the same issues again and again? I recently received an email from what seemed to be a very stressed out and upset man regarding the state of his relationship:
"Well my girlfriend is alway yelling about the same thing she says I dont do anything and she bi***es about the smallest things. I dont know why she sweats the small things. She thinks I cheat on her. I don't and she always throws the past in my face. I never get too live it down. So tell me what I can do to
make it work. I want it to so bad!" *anonymous
From his description, it sounds like his relationship needs a lot of fixing! Does he find anything good about his partner? Does he think this relationship can mended? He says he wants help but there seems to be a lot of complaining going on with little understanding of the problems that are dragging this couple downhill. I hear from many couples that do the same thing. They go 'round and round', blaming each other for how awful things are, how badly they've been treated, yet they have no innovative ways to restore their damaged union.
But all is not lost my friend, all is not lost. There are several steps you may take if you really want to repair your partnership. Just remember these simple rules: 1) It can't be your partner's fault completely. Unless you are with a drug/alcohol abuser, a chronic cheater, or in a domestic abuse situation, you are probably contributing to the problems in your relationship. Do you yell, scream or nag your partner? Are you the type who grows silent and withdrawn when problems emerge? Ask yourself how you contribute to the difficulties in your marriage. I am asking you to make a list of 3 ways you make the relationship worse. Ask your partner to do the same. It is amazing how this exercise helps couples put their problems into concrete terms, which is a starting point for change.
"I am really shocked that she(wife) wrote anything down let alone fill the list! I always felt she blamed me for everything wrong in our marriage and felt she did nothing wrong." *Hank
This realization completely changed Hank's view of his wife and how her perceived their marriage. He felt much better and less blamed for all their problems. 2) What good do you bring to this relationship? Now make a list of at least 3 things you do that make your relationship better. Maybe you help out with the kids, or support the family. Perhaps you repair things around the house or take care of the finances. It is just as important to figure out what you are doing right and what benefits you bring to the partnership. Now keep doing those things and enhancing them. 3) Let the past stay in the past. If you want to make your relationship better you must stay in the present and look toward fixing things for the future. Rehashing all your old hurts and reminding your mate of all the times they've done you wrong will do absolutely nothing to make your partnership better. Your mate will be angry and resentful. Not only will it not fix things, it will only make things worse. What good is it to try to do better if you are only going to get knocked down again about staying out late 6 months ago or gambling away the rent money 3 years ago? Even if one of you had an affair but both of you want to try and make your marriage work, you must find a way to let go of the hurt, pain and distrust. Go see a counselor, your religious leader or spend a weekend at a marriage reatreat to work through your issues. You need to share a common goal of letting go of the past and looking at ways to improve upon what you have now. Fixing a broken relationship is not easy, but it can be done. With the right insight, and supportive help, your relationship can be healed.
How to Improve your Marriage
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