Divorce and Revenge

Quite frankly I am shocked and apalled by what I have seen on the internet about getting revenge. One book title was "101 ways to get revenge on your spouse"(or something like that, I really don't want to promote it). The bottom line is: REVENGE DOES NOT WORK!

I think you need to ask yourself these 3 questions:

1)Will seeking revenge make me feel better?
2)Will I get want I want from hurting my ex?
3)Will my children benefit at all from this?

The answer is probably a big, fat NO!!

Anyone remember the hit movie "War of the Roses"? In it Michael Douglas and Kathleen Turner decide to seek revenge on each other as a result of the dissolution of their marriage. Do you remember what the end result was? Yep, total destruction of their house, their emotional well-being, and basically the complete demolition of their life.
Some clients come to me extremely upset after finding out their mates had an affair. They are angry, hurt, and completely devastated by the news(and rightly so). They want vengeance. They want to hurt the person who devastated them so much. Some people do go out and have an affair themselves.

Client: "Well, I did it. I have been so hurt and angry about my wife's affair that I just decided I wanted to get revenge on her. So, I went out with some coworkers and the opportunity came up so I slept with a coworker."

Me: "So, how did it make you feel?"

Client: "I don't know."

Me: "Did it make you feel better?"

Client: "NO".

Me: "Well, how did you feel after you slept with this other person?"

Client: "I felt kind of empty. I thought about this for weeks. I thought it would make me feel better. But now I just feel worse"

When you are in the midst of a divorce, attempting to get revenge only depletes you of the time and energy you need to get through this turmultuous time. So I encourage you to think twice about it.

So, here is my advice to you about divorce and revenge:

Do not change who you are!

If you are not a cheater, don't become a cheater.

If you are a kind and caring person stay that way.

If you stay true to your character, and deal with your needs, them you will come out of this divorce on top, and better for it and without the need for revenge. And if you cannot move past these ideas about getting even and you feel your anger is overwhelming you, then please find a counselor to help.

**This article was written by Melanie Cohn LMSW, a psychotherapist who specializes in divorce recovery and other mental health issues. If you live in the Detroit area and are looking for counseling

click here to contact her.


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