How to Avoid a Nasty DivorceHow do you avoid a nasty divorce? Preventing a bitter divorce may not always be easy but there are some ways to try and keep things calm and manageable.
Your spouse may feel spiteful due to a difficult and arguementative marriage, alienation of children,infidelity,physical or emotional abuse, or even neglect in the marriage, proceeding with an amicable divorce might be difficult. You may not be
able to avoid every altercation, but you can make things
more workable and avoiod a nasty divorce by following a few simple guidlines:
Stay away for blaming or attacking statementsCriticizing and maligning your partner will only lead them to attack you back. So try to avoid this if you can. I know it is very hard to refrain from pouncing back, but all it will do is lead to more tirades and more battles and it nearly guarentees you a nasty divorce.Use "WE" statements whenever possible, verbalize your responsibility in the dissolution of the marriage, and stay calm. If your partner starts to realize you will not engage in yet another arguement, they will be forced to communicate in another way. Many people are able to avoid the nastiness that comes when the other spouse is so angry or out of control by using the "we" technique.
Pick your BattlesTry to pick and stay firm on a few issues that are the most important to you such as custody arrangements, alimony, or your grandmother's antique china. Argueing over every little thing will just lead to more bad feelings and more fights. Giving in to certain items will not only make you look more flexible(especially to a judge if it goes to court), it could save you money in the long run. After all, is it worth it to have a nasty divorce and spend $1000 on legal bills for the fight over a $25 vase? The quicker you settle things, the faster you can move on with your life.
Try E-S-T (Empathy-Support-Truth)This is a common technique suggested by therapists for people who are very hard to deal with and good to try when you want to avoid a nasty divorce. When speaking to your spouse, first use an "empathic statement". This is a phrase which shows you understand where your mate is coming from. In essence, put yourself in their shoes. Here are a few examples: "I understand you are really angry right now" "I hear you are angry."
Then follow with a supportive statement like:
"I will support you in any way I can"
If you hit it right with the first two statements, then you can follow up with a "truth" statement: (empathic statement, supportive statement)..."Your behavior right now is not going to get us anywhere" or "We can't get anything accomplished when you have these temper outbursts."
This is a hard technique to master, even for the pros like me, but if you keep the objective in mind,to avoid a nasty divorce, then it will be easier to try and use. Sometimes writing down these statements on notecards and reading them again and again until it comes out naturally can help.
If this technique fails and you have tried and tried to avoid the nasty, angry, retaliation then you must learn how to calmly....
Walk AwayIf nothing is working and your spouse is determined to be angry and vengeful, then walk away when the conversation gets too heated. Again, if your mate is determined to be bitter, avoiding a nasty divorce will not be easy. Removing yourself from a raging arguement will help you cool down and think more logically. That way you can come back to the table(with your lawyer if need be) level-headed and try to work with some of the first suggestions listed here. If you are looking for a therapist to help deal with divorce issues and live in the Detroit metro area
click here.
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